I’m sleeping. Flush… flush…
Wh…at… the hell…?
The unmistakable sound of a flushing toilet pulls me out of sleep. More accurately, the unmistakable sound of a CLOGGED toilet, ATTEMPTING to be flushed over and Over and OVER yanks me out of sleep!
Yup. M is in the washroom. And judging by the next sequence of sounds, including his “Hmm…” as though he’s thinking, How about that? I wonder how that happened? I know exactly what’s going on.
Is this a guy thing or M-specific? It’s like a bizarre challenge:
MAN VS TOILET!
HOW MUCH CAN YOU LOAD UP BEFORE FLUSHING?
Is it somehow pleasurable or satisfying to watch the toilet choke and spurt and struggle to swallow your manly, dinosaur-sized–
Me? I’m a flusher. I’m flushing freely and frequently. I’m like the character, John Cage, on the long defunct show Ally McBeal who once said, “I like a clean bowl.” He had a remote controlled flusher that ensured an empty bowl every time he approached a stall. Huzzah! Can you imagine? Throw in a feature that cleans and disinfects the seat and surrounding area, and boom! Done!
I think one of the best product inventions in the last 10 years is the “Select a Size” paper towel. No more awkward ripping of full sheets, when you only need half. I’m also a big fan of the household rag – old towels, for example, perfect for sopping up spills.
When it comes to the three big paper products – Kleenex, paper towel, toilet paper – I become the staunch conservative, and M the easy-going liberal. If something spills, M doesn’t use one of the numerous rags in the closet. No, his reflex is to grab the paper towel. And not just one or two appropriate-sized sheets for say, ¼ cup of water. I’m talking full-on, dramatic unravelling roll, of sheet after unnecessary sheet!
Got the sniffles? Take a tissue. Personally, I can gauge whether I’m going to need one, two, even occasionally three tissues (bear in mind, these are 3-ply sheets). But M? He ALWAYS TAKES 2! Every single time. We go through so much paper product, I have to buy in bulk and store it in my car because there’s not enough space in our cupboards or storage locker. I’m clipping coupons (yup, I still clip coupons!) and am constantly looking out for sales of our preferred brands. It’s a great day when Charmin Extra Strength is on sale, AND I have a coupon!
I don’t like crumbs. I’m not sure when I became obsessed with clean, crumb-free counters, but there you have it. Despite my requests to M to keep the counters crumb-free, along with several demonstrations and step-by-step instructions on how to keep the counters crumb-free, I encounter this,
almost every day.
But crouch down to the crumbs’ level, and you see the horrifying truth – a minefield of crusty bits strewn thoughtlessly about.
Crumbs and bits from inside microwave tumble out onto ceramic stovetop (don’t get me started on ceramic stovetops!).
Inside, remnants of exploded chicken everywhere.
On every surface, in every nook and cranny.
This is what happens when M warms up extra crispy Shake n’ Bake chicken in the microwave.
For a minute and a half.
Even worse than crumbs is spilt sugar. SPILT SUGAR! I really need to be talked of the ledge when this happens. Those fine, sweet grains embedding into tiny crevices, just waiting to be devoured by any number of hiding critters. Lock me up and throw away the key!
It’s fair to say, I have issues.