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~ Bonus Points for Style ~

I’m sleeping. Flush… flush…

Wh…at… the hell…?

The unmistakable sound of a flushing toilet pulls me out of sleep. More accurately, the unmistakable sound of a CLOGGED toilet, ATTEMPTING to be flushed over and Over and OVER yanks me out of sleep!

Yup. M is in the washroom. And judging by the next sequence of sounds, including his “Hmm…” as though he’s thinking, How about that? I wonder how that happened? I know exactly what’s going on.

Is this a guy thing or M-specific? It’s like a bizarre challenge:

MAN VS TOILET!
HOW MUCH CAN YOU LOAD UP BEFORE FLUSHING?

Is it somehow pleasurable or satisfying to watch the toilet choke and spurt and struggle to swallow your manly, dinosaur-sized–

Me? I’m a flusher. I’m flushing freely and frequently. I’m like the character, John Cage, on the long defunct show Ally McBeal who once said, “I like a clean bowl.” He had a remote controlled flusher that ensured an empty bowl every time he approached a stall. Huzzah! Can you imagine? Throw in a feature that cleans and disinfects the seat and surrounding area, and boom! Done!

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I think one of the best product inventions in the last 10 years is the “Select a Size” paper towel. No more awkward ripping of full sheets, when you only need half. I’m also a big fan of the household rag – old towels, for example, perfect for sopping up spills.

When it comes to the three big paper products – Kleenex, paper towel, toilet paper – I become the staunch conservative, and M the easy-going liberal. If something spills, M doesn’t use one of the numerous rags in the closet. No, his reflex is to grab the paper towel. And not just one or two appropriate-sized sheets for say, ¼ cup of water. I’m talking full-on, dramatic unravelling roll, of sheet after unnecessary sheet!

Got the sniffles? Take a tissue. Personally, I can gauge whether I’m going to need one, two, even occasionally three tissues (bear in mind, these are 3-ply sheets). But M? He ALWAYS TAKES 2! Every single time. We go through so much paper product, I have to buy in bulk and store it in my car because there’s not enough space in our cupboards or storage locker. I’m clipping coupons (yup, I still clip coupons!) and am constantly looking out for sales of our preferred brands. It’s a great day when Charmin Extra Strength is on sale, AND I have a coupon!

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I don’t like crumbs. I’m not sure when I became obsessed with clean, crumb-free counters, but there you have it. Despite my requests to M to keep the counters crumb-free, along with several demonstrations and step-by-step instructions on how to keep the counters crumb-free, I encounter this,

crumbs

almost every day.

To the untrained eye, our camouflage-patterned counters look clean… when viewing from above. counter from above

But crouch down to the crumbs’ level, and you see the horrifying truth – a minefield of crusty bits strewn thoughtlessly about.

better crumbs 2


Then there was this scene that greeted me this morning, as I opened the microwave to nuke my coffee:

Open door.
Crumbs and bits from inside microwave tumble out onto ceramic stovetop (don’t get me started on ceramic stovetops!).
Inside, remnants of exploded chicken everywhere.
Literally.
On every surface, in every nook and cranny.
This is what happens when M warms up extra crispy Shake n’ Bake chicken in the microwave.
On High.
Uncovered.
For a minute and a half.

Even worse than crumbs is spilt sugar. SPILT SUGAR! I really need to be talked of the ledge when this happens. Those fine, sweet grains embedding into tiny crevices, just waiting to be devoured by any number of hiding critters. Lock me up and throw away the key!

It’s fair to say, I have issues.

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8 responses »

  1. Dorothy Anderson

    Laughing out loud again Bonnie

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  2. You don’t have issues, it’s a man thing.
    As for loading up the toilet, there are two answer
    First, it is bulit into our Y chromosome that one step of becoming a man is to choke a toilet.
    It’s a fact.
    Second, we don’t do the constant flushing as you and your female colleagues because (it’s going to get colourful) that we men hate the feel of the cold water on our winkies. We then have to dry off our manhoods with toilet paper just like women.
    That’s just uncool.
    As for the paper towels, it is so much easier to grab what’s on the counter than to go to the closet and get a rag. It’s the split second decisions that we men have to make every day that separate us from the chimps.
    As for the tissue, it probably is in a decorative box that matches the carpet or the drapes. Same thing, a testament to being a man is to blow right through the one kleenex (I hope we don’t get sued for copyright infringement) so we use two.
    Through the years I have come up with a philosphy for men and everyone I have told it too agree (mostly women). All men have one of the following traits; they are either liars, idiots or pigs.
    Now some possess two of the three but there is the odd one out there that are all three. Just ask Mary.

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    • Hmm, judging from both your and Glenn’s comments, and from some informal market research of my own, I’m going to have to agree with you on this Virge.

      Though I don’t think M falls into the “‘liar, idiot or pig” categories, there’s definitely a whole Mars vs Venus thing going on here. Some things matter more to women than to men (generalizing, of course). And though I appreciate you saying I don’t have issues, I acknowledge that some things matter more to me than to other women.

      One positive outcome from the great divide between M and B (emmandbee) is the constant source of material. Or as M likes to refer to it, the blog about him!

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      Reply
  3. Women will never understand that the first time a man gets applause is when he climbs onto the bowl by himself and fills it up with stuff his mom used to have to clean up. You’re a big boy now! Cheers! Streamers fall from the ceiling! Like square after square of toilet paper! We never, ever get over that. BTW, Red says you’re not the one with the issues. Cleanliness is cool.

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  4. Marie-Jose Chartier

    love it love it. marijo

    Marie-Jose Chartier Artistic Director Chartier Danse 680 Queens Quay West, suite 204 Toronto, Ontario M5V 2Y9 416-260-1956 http://www.chartierdanse.com

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